Practically Speaking: Trauma, Church Leadership, and Religious Abuse

She took a deep breath, “I always liked the idea of church... until I got involved in one.”

Her story did not involve grandiose crimes of sexual abuse or anything we usually imagine when thinking about abusive environments. The nuances were smaller, more insignificant incidences that by themselves would have been odd but not overly concerning. Over time, however, she found herself asking, “Am I crazy? Is this weird?!” She shook it loose from her mind as many times as she could until finally it was not ignorable anymore. Something was off.

Now she was here sorting it out with me.

This writing is not about people making mistakes. Every Christian and church I know, including myself, make them. Slip-ups and naivetes are a part of life, and I haven’t ever found God mad about that. In fact, I find Him patient and kind as He stoops down to teach me what I did not know. And with it comes the grace to learn and do better next time.

This writing is not about browbeating pastors and leaders in the church. I know many kind, servant-hearted leaders who would do just about anything and everything to keep anyone from suffering. Leadership is hard work not for the faint of soul, and for those who have taken on its impossible challenge, you are both praised and supplicated here for your courage.

This writing is also not about keeping you out of church. “Knowing better means doing better,” and there are many, many churches who are dedicated to making restitution and facilitating restoration when they learn of their mistakes, the pain they caused, and what work must be done to avoid making them again. These are safe faith communities where the flock can be found grazing safely in fields of shepherds who are working diligently to protect, restore, and heal with very few accolades or public rewards. Thank you that you are alive and well out there in service to God and people and the communities you live in.

As much as I wish we could stop right here with thank you's and laurels that all churches, faith communities, and denominations hail in fine working order, I cannot. There are wonderful churches out there; ones where conversations and love happen in overflow. That does not negate the fact that there are ones where harm overflows, too.

Unfortunately, my work, at least in part, involves listening to the stories of those who have been denied their right to safe pastures and shepherds. In these churches, pastors most likely will never see it that way. But it is important to note that intent does not equal impact.

The impact of spiritual pain on a person's life and relationship with God is no less painful just because it wasn't intended. And if not intentionally remedied, then the harm becomes intentional.

In unsafe churches, the signs can be so subtle they are almost undetectable if one doesn't know what to look for. Justin Humphreys, CEO of Thirtyone:Eight and author of Escaping the Maze of Spiritual Abuse, defines the markers of spiritual abuse as "manipulation and exploitation, enforced accountability, a requirement for secrecy and silence, and a pressure to conform... done with an overlay of spiritual or scriptural justification."

Because many don't know the signs and how to separate what they are experiencing from God's word and will, people often spend far too much time in spiritually destructive spaces; that is, until they realize the need to untangle their experiences in the church from who they understand Jesus to really be. By the time they get to this place, the damage has often times been exponential, and it takes space and time to sort it out. It is painful work, and it is work that should not ever need to be done. Sometimes, if I'm being honest, I wonder which is more absurd—my calling into the arena of mental health, spiritual abuse, and church hurt, or the fact that we need people called into this arena at all. But alas, here we are, and here I am.

If you're unsure why any of this should concern you, or why we must all take to heart the care and consideration with which we attend church and each other, consider this: In her book Gaslighted by God: Reconstructing a Disillusioned Faith, Tiffancy Yecke Brooks writes,

"spiritual abuse, also called religious abuse or religious trauma, and the spiritual gaslighting that occurs as a result, can be the most damaging because it directly impacts the way people perceive their relationship with God...”

The things we say, the way we treat each other, the power we wield or yield affect people’s relationship with their Creator, and that is huge. When we dare touch forcefully or assuredly the relationship between a person and their God—a connection paramount to the very purpose and core of their existence—even with the sincerest of good intentions, we are in dangerous, flashing-red-lights-error of overstepping our credentials to insist people live in ways that appease our sense of spiritual certainty and affirm our self-identified anointing. This is the dangerous field of spiritual trauma and abuse.

There is not one of us that should be so certain—that we are leading right; that we are right. Not one person has a corner market on spiritual authority or biblical accuracy, no matter what they say, and no matter if you think you do. I've been sorry to find this of myself, so I know the pain and regret of letting go of rightness, to risk being wrong so that love takes the higher seat. This is the only right thing I am sure of these days—that I don't know, and in this place I have found the glorious gift of lament and a new way to listen and understand.

Recently, I had the opportunity of discussing mental health, religious trauma, and the church on my friend Cody Banks’ podcast, Practically Speaking. You can listen here if this writing doesn't satisfy your religious trauma bucket to its full. Unfortunately (or fortunately, that is for the reader to decide), an hour-long podcast about such matters only served to get me started, not as a means to get it all out; hence, below I am expanding the conversation from the podcast to here, where I include a list of markers (certainly not exhaustive) that you can look for in your church regarding the nuances of unsafe patterns and behaviors.

Following are suspicious activities where repeatedly—and discreetly—things may seem "off" or "hard to put your finger on." The goal is to make our eyes aware in our churches so that people are not harmed, safe churches abound, and Jesus is glorified when we are together.

Markers & Patterns Found in Unsafe/Unhealthy Churches, Faith Communities, & Christian Organizations

- Acts committed against a person or a collective people “in the name of God” that cause pain, shame, isolation, humiliation, loss of dignity, etc. (One example might be a when a committee meets to discuss a person without involving them in the discussion; then say “God told us to do x, y, and z concerning you.” Nothing about me without me goes a long way in avoiding pain and isolation).

- Acts committed against a person or a collective people that violate or domineeringly influence a person’s individual choice or autonomy.

- Acts committed against a person or a collective people that silence their ability to speak up, ask questions, or challenge the status quo (often this behavior will be labeled as the “sins” of slander, gossip, malice, rebellion, insubordination, etc.). One example might be when a person is removed from a ministry or committee simply for asking questions to gain clarity or respectfully voice disagreement. A second example might include when staff sexual misconduct/abuse has been discovered, and the pastor uses a story from the Bible (i.e. scriptural justification) the following Sunday to demonstrate what happens to a people when they grumble or "talk" instead of quietly seek the Lord.

- Acts committed against a person or a collective group of people that impose a leader’s will over others, including staff who are degraded both publicly and privately, with no means of reporting it. (One example is a recent story covered by The Roys Report about Josh Gagnon, senior pastor of Next Level Church, who committed hazing and bullying acts against staff, including forcing a stripping competition during a staff meeting. This seems like an obvious assault that would cause immediate pastor termination, but the church had no governing board and no one for staff to report to except the pastor who was abusing them. This continued for years.)

- Acts committed against women and children which attempt to keep them in abusive marriages and families instead of helping them escape. (“God hates divorce”; “But he’s a good man”; “It can’t be that bad”; “You don’t want your children growing up in a broken family”; “We all deserve grace”; “Have you tried fasting and praying for him?” are just a few of the ways churches gaslight women in destructive marriages into staying. Churches that value the preservation of an institution over personal safety are unsafe communities).

- Environments where accountability is in high and harsh demand from congregants to a pastor, but very little accountability is found in reverse. Pastors in these churches often step in as spiritual advisors to certain congregants, especially women who are single or those who appear weaker or compliant, eager to fit in, belong, or serve.

- Churches where there is a large gap between the lead pastor’s salary and the rest of the staff salaries. (For more about financial transparency, accountability, and credibility in our churches, visit ministrywatch.com).

- Churches where women are absent from leadership positions and meetings and men are the primary governing authorities.

- Pastors who say in some way, “I have heard from God, and now you need to do what I heard”; this can include moving someone from a particular ministry to another against their will because of legalistic ideals or rules or simply because it benefits the leader in some way.

- Pastors who preach that the “call” of a person’s life is to support the vision God gave the pastor for the church. This is a main theme in many ARC (Association of Related Churches) and megachurch congregations where people often report feeling overworked and guilted into service, though this can certainly can be found in smaller churches, too.

- Any church who hides or minimizes the discovery of sexual, physical, emotional, psychological, or financial sins among its staff, elders, or leaders while coercing those who do know into not speaking up “for the good of the Gospel” or “for the sake of the church”.

- Marriage ministries that utilize resources that are not trauma-informed. If they are not exercising trauma awareness in this area, chances are very low they are exercising it in other ministries or from the pulpit.

- Churches or Christian organizations who insist on non-disclosure agreements (NDAs). If a church or organization is concerned that you will “talk” when you leave, chances are they have something to hide. NDAs were created to protect trade secrets, not churches.

We have much work to do to see beyond egregious acts of blatant abuse to the more subtle ways it comes in and destroys. Jesus would not take up residency inside a house of abuse—no matter how “subtle”— and glorify His Father for it. If He would not, we cannot. Abusive houses and houses of God are not neighbors; they are not friends; they are not co-laborers in Christ.

"The church can only witness to the truth of Jesus by seeking justice, serving with humility, operating transparently, and confessing and lamenting failures." - Scott McKnight, A Church Called Tov

If you need help sorting out confusing experiences in the church or have been wounded by spiritual leaders or trusted friends or advisors and would like to talk it through, please feel free to reach out to me: culpeperfamilies@gmail.com.