Releasing the Shadows: Inviting Our Hidden Parts Home

Lately, I’ve been making friends with shadows, and I think you should, too.

It begins before we know it.

“I don’t like it when you act that way. Stop.”

“Why do you always talk so much about that?”

"You're so messy."

“Here, don’t do it like that; do it like this.” Do it like me.

And when you can’t do it like me or for me, then don’t do it at all.

From the time we are small, the people in our lives, such as our parents, teachers, ministers, siblings, or friends have an innate idea of what they need or want from us.

This means they also have an idea of what they don’t.

When those parts of ourself that seem superfluous or silly, annoying or provoke jealousy, distracting or convicting surface, they are sent away, told they (or we) are bad, and are never called back by those who love us. Most people do these things not because they are inherently evil, but because it was done to them and they are innocently unaware.

Here is a simple example of how this works: A parent whispers sternly to her young child in church, “Stop squirming,” because she may be worried that others will judge her as a bad mother if her child will not “behave," or perhaps she wants to listen to the sermon much more than she wants to tend to her child at the moment.

So, the young child learns to conform, hiding his inquisitive nature to explore his surroundings so that mom is seen as a good disciplinarian who is raising her child up right, or so she can focus her attention on the pastor without the hassle of distraction. The child's creativity, freedom, and curiosity were unwelcomed for the sake of what mom needed, and over time, the child learns to hide his natural tendencies to meet his mother's needs. Before he knows it, he is hiding to meet everyone else's, too.

(Please note that the above example was not to say that children should get to do whatever they want whenever they want. It was a universal way to show how carelessly these patterns get started.)

In A Little Book On the Human Shadow, American poet Robert Bly calls these unliked or unneeded parts of ourselves our personal shadows that hide in an invisible bag we drag behind us, which gets heavier the older we get and the more parts it accumulates. He says,

“We spend our life until we’re twenty deciding what parts of ourself to put into the bag, and we spend the rest of our lives trying to get them out again.”

Sometimes we don’t get to decide what parts of ourself go away because it was decided for us by people who had power over us. But as we get older and gain more power and understanding, it is our right and responsibility to take them out, to invite them fully back into ourself, so that we become and live whole. The work can be hard because sometimes we don't know what we have in our bag, and even if we know what's there, what makes it safe to let them out now if it's never been safe before?

Let me give you a recent example of how shadow awareness rescued a vital part of myself in one quick moment, saving me months of pain.

All of my life I have had a relentless justice button. I never knew what to call it, but there was something in me that worked itself up when I saw a wrong (where are my Enneagram Ones?!). I would pound my fist and find someone to shout to: “This isn’t right!” And each time would be met with “Yes, okay. We hear you. Calm down, Stacey.”

Calm down?! But can’t you see something is wrong here?! Someone could get hurt! Someone might not be doing their job right! Someone is sad! Someone isn’t seen! Someone needs a friend! Mayday, mayday!

Sadly, I was ashamed of this girl for as many young years as I can remember.

Then, in my early forties, God sent me back to school for an M.A. in Human Services Counseling & Executive Leadership, and I began to see her in a different light. Maybe she wasn't meant to calm down. Maybe she wasn't wrong after all. Some of those problems she saw were now being given names and solutions inside the academia and religious worlds, and maybe God was going to use that girl to speak up for all of those still lost in the shadows.

It took me a while to feel comfortable, but one day the light sliced the darkness long enough for me to decide it was time to welcome her back home. As I did, more women found my couch and shared their stories with me. I got to tell them it wasn’t their fault. I’ve watched them stand up and take charge of their lives. I’ve hooped and hollered and cheered for them, and I’ve cried over their shadows that no one had the right to make.

I was home, and it felt good.

Then one day, I had an experience where there was a perceived threat over someone’s safety. I sprang into action to see what forces of protection needed to be summoned. I was met with, maybe you can guess it... a unified chorus of “Stacey, calm down.”

But I was more ready for the voices this time.

The instant those words were spoken, I became immediately small in my mind, and I saw a little shadow of a girl run across my heart and lunge for the bag behind me. In a split second, right in the middle of the conversation, I grabbed her hand and said, “Oh no, you don’t. You belong right here with me. You’ve done nothing wrong.”

I held her close and promised her she was a part of me, and not only can I not do any of this without her, I don't want to. She had to know she was safe with me, that I believed in her, and that no matter what anyone else thinks of her, she is a very good part of me. She would grow and mature over time, but that didn't negate her goodness now.

And it doesn't negate yours either.

So, friend, let me ask you: Which part... No, sorry, let me rephrase that... Which very good, beautiful, and needed part of yourself would you like to invite home today?

Put It Into Practice

Close your eyes and allow a memory or phrase to come to mind that has been used to exile a part of yourself.

How old does the girl look in your memory?

What is the conversation happening around her?

How does she feel listening to what she sees and hears?

What do you see in her that is good?

Do you believe that she is good, needed, and wanted, and can you tell her that it was not her fault she had to hide for so long?

Will you invite her back home?