Unveiling Connection: Do I Matter?

One of the most beautiful parts of my work is reconnecting women to themselves.

A woman will often come to me describing feelings of being tired or anxious and unsure of what is wrong. As soon as she says it out loud, she guiltily begins to quantify her uncertainty so much that I half expect her to get up and leave without so much as a word from me:

“So, I don’t know what’s wrong. I love my kids. I love my husband. I love God. I’m blessed and truly grateful; really, I am. What do I have to complain about? Maybe I shouldn’t be here... yeah, maybe this was a mistake. I’m fine, really... everything is fine. I just need to...”

And from my couch pours a list of conjectures about why motherhood and marriage and work and friends and church make about as good of a life as she could possibly hope for. She doesn’t know why she feels the way she does. It feels selfish; silly really. She laughs with something to the effect of “first world problems, right?” with a shuffling glance downward to hide the struggle she feels guilty for having.

I wait and nod and listen until there is a pause. Then I ask: “How is your relationship with yourself?”

“My what?” she says.

“Your relationship with yourself,” I reply.

“What do you mean?”

And here we start the unveiling of her. It’s my favorite work.

The need for ritualistic connection is embedded deep inside our human existence. We know that we’re made for it. It’s been a point made so often in recent years that all of us nod in drone-like agreement as we chant the mantra: “We are made for connection.” Yet, we still aren’t fully sure what it means, except that we know it involves others.

• We need coffee dates maybe once a month (there’s the ritual factor) and a couple of friends to assure us we’re not alone. Check.

• In communities of faith, we further the (dis)connection as we define it as Sunday morning church, small groups, and volunteer commitments on top of our already full “connected” lives. Double check.

Connect to God + Connect to others = A life on mission for Jesus. Do it often. Do it well.

There’s only one problem... well, maybe two. We’re not doing it well, and our equation is missing one very important variable: us.

In my practice, we talk a lot about the order of healthy ritualistic connection:

1. God

2. Self

3. Others

4. World

In that order.

I don't know how else to say this, but I want to try because women stay trapped in bad situations, empty days, and dark lives because they have accepted the message that it is a sin to know and value themselves, and as Christians, we use Scripture to back it up. If I can say it bluntly: that makes God out to be an abuser and makes us easily susceptible to being abused—by ourselves and others. God is not an abuser. Furthermore, it just doesn't make sense when we take into account the complexities and wonder of how we are made and how this life works.

When we start with connection to God but skip over ourselves to go directly to others, we form unreliable and unsustainable connections that will eventually blow up in our faces. It's the very opposite of healthy connection. Faulty wires will always short circuit. As relationship expert Leslie Vernick said, “Connection with self is a complete link.” It that goes haywire, so does everything else.

I can hear the arguments now about God's "biblical" command for self-denial, and most of them come bound to Scriptures that have been used to undermine our personal self-worth by those who benefit from us not having it. And sometimes that person is us.

There is a difference between denying my selfish desires versus sacrificing all of me for others who practice evil by not caring who I am and in what condition I live. How else do we protect our hearts and minds in Christ Jesus if we first do not know our hearts and minds? This requires a healthy connection to self that honors God in me.

Anxiety, exhaustion, loss of purpose, lack of direction, or relationship issues are just a sampling of where so many women find themselves after years of following a half-baked formula. When women express the sentiment, “I’ve lost myself somewhere,” I think, at least in part, what they’re really saying is they weren’t ever taught how or given permission to listen to and trust themselves, and their unheard parts are screaming, “We’re still here! Is anyone listening?! There’s a problem in here!”

When those parts go ignored and devalued for years, the link to self gets damaged and needs repair. Part of the beautiful work my clients and I do together is to unravel the misunderstanding (or, in some cases, the deliberate lies) that to consider ourselves in any way is selfish. God never backs away from telling us to think—and think hard—about ourselves. He tells us to consider our ways, examine our hearts, and get a vision for our lives. What I have learned in following Him means that He wants me to pay attention to me, not only the spiritual parts but the human parts, too.

Before I can establish healthy connection to others and the world around me, I must consider well who I am and what this means for my life and relationships.

For me, it means knowing:

1. What I like and what I don’t.

2. Where I am comfortable and where I am not.

3. To whom and where I should give my energy and where not to spend an ounce more.

4. That I am strong and capable of voicing my needs and preferences and unashamed when others do not agree.

5. I am trustworthy to make decisions, and that I can be gentle and compassionate towards my thoughts and feelings rather than harsh and critical.

6. I can hear God’s voice and trust His leading and His design of me.

But what you’re talking about is so selfish!

No, it’s not. Establishing a loving, respectful relationship with myself is not putting myself before God... unless I genuinely put myself before God! It’s honoring Him by understanding how He put me together so that I can be well and serve others well out of the sure, calm waters of identity and with the same value to which He assigns me.

Connection with myself means learning to listen to and trust my own thoughts and experiences because they are not evil; they are a part of being human that needs expression and care. If any part of me feels as if I will not protect her in times of uncertainty or pain, she will give of herself out of uncertainty and pain. I don't care what anyone says, this is not Jesus' heart for you, nor how He desires you to form connections with others and the world. Start with Him and follow Him to you so that He can lead you in wholeness to the people and world around you.

Put It Into Practice:

1. Write this down and repeat.

Rituals of Connection:

• God

• Self

• Others

• World.

In that order.

2. How well do you feel like you are connected to yourself (meaning how well do you know you, your likes and dislikes, your ability to stand up for yourself and say no, your triggers and pain points, your ability to listen to and understand yourself, etc.)?

3. Has anyone in your life diminished who you are and benefitted from that? Who and why?

4. What have you learned in the past about what God thinks of you? Has any of that changed after reading this?

5. Would you like to reconnect with yourself if that link has been broken, and what are some ways you think would help you do that?

Remember, reconnecting with yourself doesn't have to be done alone. You can always reach out to a counselor, coach, mentor, or trusted friend. Do what works for you, but just know you don't have to do it alone.