When It's Time to Heal, Restoration Needs Room

Where do we begin when it's time to heal? Well, I'm very glad you asked, and even if you didn't, perhaps you'll stay with me for a little while anyway because paths to healing are always beneficial. (Note: the ideas discussed here assume that you live in a safe environment. If you do not, getting to safety is always the very first step before anything else. War zones are not healing zones.)

I bet you could ask any of my adult female clients what my answer to the above question would be, and in one way or another they would probably all tell you in somewhat unanimity: when it’s time to heal, restoration needs room. Healing needs quiet. It needs stabilization. It needs rituals of connection that allow trust to be formed with ourselves by listening to and honoring the stories inside of us. We do not heal in war zones of chaos, noise, and motion. Restoration and healing need quiet spaces of deliberation.

As KJ Ramsey writes of Dr. Stephen Porges' work known as Safe and Sound Protocol:

"Listening is a pathway to change neural state. Lowering auditory stimulation helps the nervous system develop trust. When it comes to developing trust, less is more. Less noise. Fewer words. Less effort. Less enables the nervous system to catch up."

If you read my previous blog, "Unveiling Connection: Do I Matter?", you'll remember the order of connection (God, self, others, world), and the idea that if we skip over ourselves to go directly from God to everyone else, an incomplete link is formed that will eventually short circuit (if it hasn't already). Most of us don't know what connection to self looks or feels like, so today we're going to begin repairing and practicing it.

How do I start repairing the connection to myself?

For starters, I think we need to consider the importance of rituals, especially with ourselves.

Establishing patterned, repeated behaviors for the purpose of showing up for me gives me a place to appreciate the meaning, purpose, happiness, pain, and wonder of being human. In these times, I’m not going off into a corner to stare at a wall and pray for enlightenment. I’m creating a quiet space because God says that I am worth paying attention to, and that there are marvelous, miraculous ideas and traits He has put inside of me that He really hopes I will notice. Not only that, but it is through the ritual of self connection where I can listen to my own heart and hurts, let the places I feel lost or unsettled speak, and give space for God to reveal the diminished parts of me that need to rise again for both His and my joy.

Rituals are a part of all of our daily lives whether we notice them or not. We typically start our day, brush our teeth, eat, go to work, exercise, etc. at consistent times and order every day, so shouldn't we also care for our hearts and minds in the same ritualistic way?

How do I begin to value and listen to myself in the quiet place?

First, create a space for yourself that you enjoy going.

This space has to work for you. For me, it is the dark morning hours on my couch balancing a hot cup of tea in one hand and my journal or computer in the other. Books and a blanket wrap me in the presence of God while a dog or two stay curled at my side or stretched out along the long row of cream-colored cushions, reminding me that contentment is much more simple than I make it most days. I love the reminders and anticipation that greet me here.

This is the space I naturally create because this is me, and because it's me, I feel safe and inspired here. Some mornings I have to force myself to stay in bed until the clock turns over the long hours of the night to 5:00 AM, signaling that finally it is time to walk quietly down the dark, well-worn path from bed to here. The point is, I have a space that I am excited to go. If your place is outside, at night, on a walk, in your living room or in a coffee shop, it's yours. Make it wherever it calls to you to come.

Then do what works for you in this space. If you need guidance, one of the benefits I hope you'll find on this blog are tools for meaningful times of self exploration and connection that you can take into the quiet place with you. The following is an exercise I did myself this week, so if you would like and when you are ready, settle into your place, breathe deeply a few times, and journal through the following journey with me.

Put It Into Practice

1. Think about the family you grew up in. What was your Role in Your Family of Origin? In other words, what part did you play in the family system growing up? Were you the peacemaker, the troublemaker, the one who kept things in order, the funny one, the outcast, etc.? Did you take on additional roles with each parent and sibling? Journal freely as thoughts and memories come to mind. There are no right or wrong answers here. Do you see any patterns or roles you’ve never noticed before? Do you recognize any of those roles playing out in your relationships today?

2. What are your Core Values, meaning what are the driving beliefs and standards behind how you behave and who you try to be? In other words, what are the values you deeply hold that inform your actions and decisions? Keep the list to around 5 core values if you can. (Remember as you think it through, these are traits you already hold to and drive what you do and why, not goals or aspirations you're trying to reach). Hint: you might be able to see some of your core values stem from either positive experiences in your childhood that you are instinctively replicating or ones that you are correcting from the not-so-good experiences of your childhood.

3. Who are you in your Core Self? Your core self is not fundamentally flawed or broken. It is the image and handprint of God in you, so if it’s difficult to list positive traits of who you are at your core being, this is a wonderful time to listen to the inner voice of God and write down what you hear.

How did you do?

Was it easy to sit and focus on yourself for a little while?

Do you feel more connected to yourself and those parts of you that maybe you haven’t taken the time to consider before?

Did you feel or hear God speak to you in any way?

If you did this exercise with me today, I hope you feel a little more connected and alive. I hope some of what you found brought joy as you remembered and honored where you came from. I pray those parts that were painful to remember will begin to rejoice now that they’ve been given space to be heard. I also pray that seeing who you are in your core self brings strength where perhaps you have felt weak, and that the values you carry are magnified in more deliberate, confident ways.

Most of all, I pray that you enjoyed being with you. I hope you’ll come back here as we practice the rituals of connection so that we securely attach to God in us and live out who He created us to be.